


Mountains

by tiredgayy



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentioned Akaashi Keiji, Mentioned Hinata Shouyou, Mentioned Kuroo Tetsurou, Mentioned Suna Rintarou, Not Beta Read, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-16
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:15:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26490250
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredgayy/pseuds/tiredgayy
Summary: !TW!READ THE TAGSTsukishima was tired of carrying his burdens and asks someone to help him carry the weight of it all
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou & Tsukishima Kei, Bokuto Koutarou/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 1
Kudos: 63





	Mountains

Tsukishima stood under the streetlamp, staring at his phone. 

Bokuto had told him to find his moment- his own euphoria- and he did. He blocked Ushijima Wakatoshi, one of the best aces in the country. He felt the sting of the ball against his hand and watched the ball hit the ground. He felt like he was on top of the world; he was standing on the tallest mountain to exist. He felt like he was worth everything.

And then he looked ahead.

In front of him were higher mountains. He felt like he was worthless, sitting on his mere molehill. 

Firstly, there was Suna Rintarou. The manipulative middle blocker with an incredibly large range. He would rile up his opponents, only to knock them down further. He was a skilled blocker and an amazing spiker. It felt as though he could make the ball go wherever he wanted, regardless of who was right in front of him. In a way, he did. Tsukishima couldn’t match that.

Then, there was Kuroo Testurou, the master of provocation. He was charming off the court and a menace on it. He was perfectly well rounded in everything, from blocking to spiking to receiving. As annoying as he was, he was also kind. He taught a bunch of first-years from a different school after all. The smart man was nothing short of being the ideal person. Where did Tsukishima stand in comparison?

Finally, there was the monster himself, Hinata Shouyou. The tiny bundle of energy seemed to surpass him in every way. The sun followed him wherever he went, shining down on him at every moment. He was the centerpiece of every picture- the superhuman in the sea of normal civilians. Even after the Shiritorizawa match, Ushijima made the effort to seek out Hinata. What did the average person have against the extraordinary?

Tsukishima: The Jack of All Trades, Master of None. He was at the top half academically but fell short of being the best. He was one of the better first years, as he was accepted into the first-year training camp, but he was nothing compared to the other participants there. He was smart, athletic, and, might he say, attractive, but he was never the best. 

He thought about his future. Who would he be? Would he be anything short of the average person? 

Suna would let his words take him far. He would become an amazing player, renown across all of Japan. Kuroo would use his intelligence to go to a good school and get an exceptional job. He was bound to success. Hinata would inspire people across the world with his abilities, despite his height. 

Everyone around him seemed to be running up such high mountains, but Tsukishima only had the ability to fall downhill. Nothing would go right for him, so it seems. He was scared of losing everything.

And for the icing on the cake, he just had to be gay. If he came out, he would be ridiculed in every way. His family would disown him, his teammates would look at him with disgust, and he would have no future.

Sometimes, he thought about giving up. How could he hit rock bottom if he already believed he was there? If he had no expectations on his shoulders, there would be no failure.

Sometimes, he thought about dying. If he died, people would only see him as the kid with so much potential. He would have nothing to worry about. He would die as an ideal kid- the ideal, straight kid. Everything would be fine. He was worth nothing after all. No one would care. He wasn’t as important as other kids.

He stared at the phone in his hand and presses on the contact. The moon watches him break down under the streetlamp as he spills his heart out to his mother.

He tells her about the mountains and the downhill slopes. He tells her about his fears for the future. He tells her about Suna, Kuroo, and Hinata and how he can’t even compare in the slightest. He tells her that he wants to die and that causes her to whimper.

And then, he tells her that he’s gay. She starts sobbing.

Tsukishima listens to her gut-wrenching sobs and through listening to her rambles, he realizes that she doesn’t want him anymore. After hearing one last curse at the deities from his mother, he hangs up.

There is something so tragic about having to let your parents go. He wanted them to hold him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. He to break in their arms, reassured that they will put him back together. That comforting fantasy was never going to be a reality. Every chance of it ever happening was blown away like a match in the cold.

\---

Tsukishima thought of dying under the streetlamp. He stood at an empty section of the city. No one would find him. 

He made his way to a drug store and bought some razors. It was almost entirely devoid of people, save for the tired cashier at the counter. The cashier gave him a look and said, “Don’t do it, kid. Call someone. Call someone that makes you happy. You don’t have to die yet. It’s too soon.”

Tsukishima looked at the cashier and began to cry. He nodded and quickly made his way back to the flickering streetlamps. He opened the package and thought of the cashier. For the second time that night, he made a phone call.

“Ello?”

“Sorry for waking you up, Bokuto-san. May I ask you a question?”

“Eh? Tsukki? Uh yeah. Sure. What’s up?”

He paused, thinking about the phrasing of his question. “Has anyone ever belittled you for being gay?”

“Be-what now?”

“Mocked you. Made you feel terrible solely because of it.”

“Yeah.” The voice on the other side was silent for a while before a cough was heard.

“Who’s giving you shit, Tsukki? I’ll go beat their asses!”

Tsukishima audibly cried and Bokuto scrunched his eyebrows in concern. “My parents. They didn’t- they don’t want me anymore. Why don’t they want me anymore?”

Bokuto felt his heart break for Tsukishima. He was blessed with a supportive mother and friends. He understood what it was like to lose a parent simply because he fell in love with the wrong people. He listened to Tuskishima sob.

“It’s not your fault, Tsukki. Your parents suck. That’s not your fault.”

Another silence. Tsukishima wiped his eyes and sniffled. 

“Bokuto-san, have you ever wanted to die?”

“Yeah.” Bokuto’s voice cracked as he began to cry with Tsukishima.

“Have you ever tried?”

“...Yeah.”

“What kept you alive?”

“Everyone around me.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Every time I wanted to die, I thought of Kuroo and his god-awful laugh. He could tell straight off the bat if you had a bad day or not. Either way, he’d make you smile by the end of it. Whenever I wanted to die, Akaashi held me and told me that everything would be okay. He let me be sad. My teammates would tell me that I was still their ace. Everyone reminded me that I was important, so I kept living.”

There was another sob. “And what if you have no one?”

Bokuto thought of the times he cried alone in his bedroom. He thought of the times he put the blade to his wrist. He thought of the shallow scars on his thigh. 

“I don’t know, Tsukki., but I would wait. Wait for me, okay? I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

“Bokuto-san, you really don’t have to. It’s already late and the trains are closed.”

“Hush, Tsukki. The first shinkansen opens at 4:30 in the morning. Pick me up at five, yeah? Wait for me. I’ll be there for you.”

He hung up. Tsukishima checked his phone and it was already 4. He’d only have to wait for an hour. The moon brightened his path towards the train station. 

\---

He was waiting under a dimmed streetlamp when Bokuto came bumbling out of the station. Tsukishima bowed in greeting as Bokuto gave him the biggest smile he could muster. Once he took note of the package stuffed into Tsukishima’s pocket, his smile faltered.

Tsukishima stared at the ground and Bokuto enveloped him in a bone-crushing hug. Bokuto took one look at Tsukishima’s tired face and decided that they would spend the first few hours of their time together sleeping. Bokuto grabbed his hands and dragged him to a hotel. 

Eager to not leave Tsukishima alone, he bought a single-bed room. They shifted around until they were comfortable. Tsukishima put his head on Bokuto’s chest and they wrapped their arms around each other. It didn’t take long for them to fall asleep.

\---

They woke up at around noon. Bokuto demanded that Tsukishima take him to the best restaurant in town and they ended up at a ramen store. 

Bokuto quickly ate his food, claiming that he was worthy enough to take on Naruto himself. Tsukishima giggled and took his time with his bowl. Bokuto insisted on paying and Tsukishima felt the weight on his shoulders become a little lighter.

They then went to the park, where they swang higher than the children there. Bokuto attracted a lot of kids due to his unordinary hairstyle and it amused Tsukishima greatly. Despite everything Bokuto has been though, he still found it in himself to smile and laugh with others.

They left the park and got some dinner. Tsukishima was appalled when Bokuto had taken them to a fancy restaurant, but Bokuto reassured him that it was alright. Bokuto consistently nagged him about eating more, even going as far as spoon-feeding him. Tsukishima giggled the entire time.

Soon enough, they tired themselves out and went back into the room. 

“Bokuto-san?”

“Hm?”

“Thank you.”

Bokuto smiled at him. “Of course. Anything for you, Kei.”

The moon shined brightly as the two of them went to sleep.


End file.
